The DavidCyrus Blog of Wisdom

Comedy Attempt #3
How to bomb in Palm Bay in less than three minutes...

The Palm Bay Community Center's 2004 Comedy Show got me started. I entered and won that contest (triumphing over four other amateur comics). That propelled me to Dr. Chuckles, a real comedy shop, and although I only performed for ten minutes (the real feature for that night was two professional comics, each with an hour-long show) I enjoyed the spotlight.

So when the director of Palm Bay's community center called me up last week to perform again, I was ready to roll! Over the past year or two, I've been writing down jokes with hopes of one day actually delivering them on stage. I've compiled about 20 pages of material, which is enough to go for at least two hours. The good material might last 45 minutes or so...

"Hold on," said Rick (the center's director), "We are hosting a professional comedy troupe next Saturday, and we just need some people to do about 3-5 minutes during the intermission."

"Oh"

...but showbiz is showbiz, no matter how short, right? The abbreviated schedule allowed me to "tailor" my routine, and only use the best, most primo, zingers. After crafting the perfect ultra-short routine, I felt I was ready. My chosen topics concentrated on Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, Motorcycles, and Prison. With Mission Impossible 3 just coming out, I though I probably had the freshest show on the bill!

I'll now present the first minute or so (remember, there's only about four minutes in the whole thing) of last night's routine, as presented on stage, to about 80 Palm Bay residents:

"Thanks! Hey - Is everybody ready for summer? Yes?
The Summer Blockbuster's are coming out. Mission Impossible 3 just opened.
Third movie in the series, the third movie they totally screwed up!
Three Mission Impossibles and not one of them has had an impossible mission!
Still, the people keep going; wondering...
"I wonder if Tom Hanks is going to complete the mission this time?? It is, after all, an "impossible mission"...

But what about this Tom Hanks guy, He just suddenly went crazy, didn't he?"

At this time I started hearing the audience correcting me, that I actually meant Tom Cruise, and not Tom Hanks. "Whaa? Did I say Hanks??" I tried to laugh, but how well can you really milk a screw-up like that? Anyway, the routine mercifully ended shortly thereafter, and I slunk back to my dossier of humor, making notes to get celebrity names correct when joking about them in the future.

Let's get back to where we were...
"...back to 2001"

I know, I know. This blog was supposed to be more funny, and less political. But look at what's happened in the past year; Bush is the least popular president since Nixon, Presidential advisor Karl Rove is going to be indicted, and Iraq, excepting the body-count increases, is in exactly the same dire straits as before. With most Iraqi rebuilding efforts lagging behind in schedule and significant results, our one small triumph seems to be in the progress made constructing our new 100-acre US embassy.

At least the War on Terror is focused on the real terrorists... (or is it?)

If you recall, back in 2001, our biggest terrorist problem was Al Qaeda, and their Afghani protectors were the Taliban. Remember when the USA invaded Afghanistan? Our goals were to remove the Taliban from power, and attack Al Qaeda in its home base.

Fast-forward to 2006:
Al Qaeda has been invited back into Afghanistan,
The Taliban has recovered its strength,
and now the US doesn't even consider the Taliban to be terrorists.

The Republicans, of course, are focused on what they believe to be our most important issues: singing the National Anthem and criminalizing flag-burning. That ought to get them through July 4th, but it probably won't help them in the Fall elections, which are looking to be a "change-in-the-guard" that promises to even outshine Gingrich's 1992 "revolution".